Thursday, October 16, 2014

What do i look for in a guy?

 I get asked a lot Steph do you have a boyfriend? the answer is no I don't not at the moment and do I have type? What do you mean by type? do you mean would I pick guys like pickings apples from a tree or going to the fruit section at the supermarket? well then I don't really have a ''type'' when it comes to guys.  I mean you don't choose who you like and you don't choose who you love and develop a crush on your heart chooses but you don't unless you have a type like if you like Latino or white or any other race some people do have a type.  I however don't but lets talk about what do I look for in a guy? Well OK first things first if a guy likes me he shouldn't be dating someone else no matter who that's not cheating but its just plain how you like someone so much but dating another makes no sense that's a equation that cant be solved.  Yeah that's just one of the things I look for in a guy he cant be saying oh he likes me or I love you baby and dating someone else that's just no. Another thing I look for in a guy is privacy like for example if I happen to have my phone and I have friends texting me and some of the friends happens to be a guy yeah he shouldn't get mad when you text someone no matter who they are that's between you and the person unless its about him then yeah ill show him but not if I'm having girl talk or about something else privacy main step.  Also no guy is perfect we all know that ladies your prince isn't Disney he not perfect but also exes I know people date people before they find the right one but bragging about your ex all the time you can tell me about your ex but not to the point where its everyday and your talking about how she was a bitch slut yeah no your ex is the past you can talk about her but not to the point where she is all you talk about during the relationship yeah I wont tolerate any of that.  Sex I like a guy who doesn't care whether or not sex is part of the equation I love a guy who loves the relationship even if there isn't any sex at all or it takes a real long time for that to happen.  Those are just some of the things I look for in a guy and no guy is perfect to my future boyfriend I love you no matter what. What do you look for in a guy? and guys what do you look for in a girl ? leave your lovely comments in the comments below and we can talk about love all day and anytime oh wait that sounded so much better when I was saying it in my head oh well.  But in the end doesn't matter our heart always know the way to life the way to our soulmate

                 you know ill always love you

my depression story how i dealt with bullying and depression

 today I'm talk about something I've been wanting to talk about for a real long time and that something that many people deal with depression and sadness and pain and that's something that's not healthy at all and often people face whether its bullying low self esteem even drug addiction breakups broken hearts all those stuff yeah they lead to depression. I wanna share with you my experience with depression and how I handled it and how you can handle it. My life is happy now yeah its not a fairy tale but I'm happy with it I might be dealing with struggles but I deal with them and that's life you deal with struggles disappointments but also accomplishments people leave and people enter. One door opens and another closes. I feel that sharing my experience with all of you I feel that if I share my experience It can help other people or even people or everyone whose either going threw what I been threw or is or wanna see a pepestrative on it.  I was depressed for literally years yes years not days not months years and it wasn't pretty or felt good my depression started around sixth grade and didn't end to pretty much mid sophomore yr of high school yes that long and I'm now in my second month of junior year of high school we will talk about high school and college in another blog post.  My depression started in sixth grade I entered sixth grade now be aware it was embarrassing I didn't know how to fix my hair or dress fashionably like other girls were dressing i pretty much would go to school with my lips chapped hair messed up sweatpants and random sneakers. Now when i entered middle school i was really excited i had my friends Lets call them B and J and S. My older sister Kathy kit Kat was in 8th grade when i first entered middle school it was good for the first month 3 months into middle school my happy story turned into a world wide nightmare. I Was being talked about badly and people would say mean things to me whenever i would go to class or walk down in the hallway and at lunch.  My friends had literally went with the other group and i was left literally no friends at all now when it first started happening i didn't tell anyone no staff not my family no one i was basically in denial and would go home and tell my self steph you have friends you have the normal teenage life your normal. i would come home and tell my sisters and family about my ''friends'' when in reality it was people who didn't talk to me or didn't like me simply because others made fun of me it got to the point where i would sit by the dumpster alone during lunch while everyone hanged with their friends in the school yard. Mid school year of sixth grade one of my sisters friend had saw what was going on and one of the teachers saw what was going on and told Kathy she came home and was so concerned and told my mother about it and my other sister i remember the night when they comforted me it was in my old room and i couldn't deny it and it was painful to just admit it during sixth grade mere weeks before my sister/family had found out i was in the classroom and this one girl came out of where and threw pencil shavings in my hair and it was horrible the whole class and grade had began to grow even more hatred towards me and even after my sisters/family found out they would still do it and no matter how much the teachers tried to help they couldn't do anything i would make a excuse on Fridays not to go school making up something just so i wouldn't go to school and face hell i remember i failed math and social studies and even science at one point since i wasn't doing any homework and failing tests and during the weekends and on a regular basis i wouldn't want to do anything but eat and sleep i didn't feel like getting up in the morning or doing activities or going to the movies or the mall or eating fast food which i love well you know taco bell but yeah its unhealthy but you know i still like it its just so good but anyways back to the story i was a fighter so even though i was getting bullied i was still happy i had my birdies and i love them and they just made me so happy. When sixth grade had ended i was so happy i had passed all my classes haven't worked last minute nights doing all that homework that i missed and i had passed my state tests so i remember thinking oh how i have my happy ending and they are not gonna bully me anymore now that were talking about i almost got to into a physical fight with a girl i think it was he she said thing and it got out of hand and she got suspended but yeah during the end of sixth grade into summer i had gotten my happy ending and was really happy that summer i wanted to get out of bed and go places we went a lot that summer and it was beautiful it was memorable it was the happiest summer of my life. When i returned for my seventh grade it was the start of a new beginning after a mere month i started getting bullied again being called all those mean names and being cut of groups i had my friends new friends v and j and i forgot who else but yeah i did have friends and they did stick up for me whenever the mean crowd would try to laugh at me or make me feel bad during seventh grade i was getting bullied so bad i had quit fast food yes i had quit taco bell which may come as a shock to some i quit that McDonald's pretty much everything fast food i thought eating all that stuff would make me fast and obese and that it would make my problems even worse i would see taco bell commercials and other fast food my mind would be like hey steph lets go eat bk or taco or McDonald's but then my other depressed side would be like no steph your gonna get fat stay away from all that and i would go out for walks i just wouldn't eat food outside but food from inside my house. During seventh grade when my parents trusted me a lot i was able to go places that made my depression go away a little bit i would go out and it would turn like 330 and would be like oh my god I'm gonna be late and then go on my commute home and it would turn 4pm and i would be like oh my god I'm screwed and just run home or take the bus the weekends were a getaway from all the pain i was going threw in middle school. In seventh grade i would get into a argument with my friends that i had made usually cause of the he she thing so i was basically without friends for a period of time and then i met a girl who just happened to be siting alone one day and her name was Sarah and we started talking and become close and we wouldn't sit by the dumpster we would sit by the corner by the tree or by the stairs i loved her she didn't like the popular well known crowd and she wasn't loved by many but she was loved deeply and i liked the choices she made during seventh grade i did lose someone i loved but we are gonna talk about that even if they were a person it wasn't a person by the way and Sarah was with me through that rough patch and it was just amazing to have someone to lean on during that duration of seventh grade it was at the that point where i started to not to care what people think and got my grades up expect math math was so horrible still is I'm still a 65 in math not below a 75 yeah I'm change that. But during seventh grade my depression was there and yeah one day i almost got suspended i slapped a girl in the face during English class and everyone was like fight and it was crazy i remember being angry and not being able to attend school for like 3 days i had my work done in my house but i couldn't be in class i remember that girl had been bullying me since sixth grade and making up so many rumors and my volcano had erupted and that's when i hit her towards the end of seventh grade no i didn't get my happy ending this time my friendships with some of my peers were strained and i had summer school for the state test for math i guess you can never say never just a few weeks before i found out the news i kept saying i would never get summer school and i never got summer school and never will and being happy about it and then yeah weeks 2 weeks before summer vacation i got the biggest shock of my life summer school you failed it was by by summer by summer happiness it was horrible my depression grew so big that summer and yeah everyone was mad at me they thought i didn't study all year and i was on the verge of being held over and i remember i would get up so quickly to go summer school i hated life having to study during school year and then another 2 months and having uncertainty about whether or not your gonna be to the next grade and seeing everyone enjoying summer while your in the chair and it sucked so much knowing that i didn't study as i hard as i did and that i cried wolf. For 2 weeks even after summer school had ended i still wasn't able to sleep peacefully and have fun cause i kept having anxiety and nervousness a lot of that uncertainty of whether or not i was going to 8th grade with my class and that summer yeah i did i remember getting that letter in the mail and shouting and me my mom acting like the ball dropped in times square and it was new years and yeah i passed and i was going to 8th grade and even if it was 3 half of weeks summer i was able to sleep calmly those weeks and peacefully and go out peacefully and eat peacefully live peacefully during 8th grade was so exciting 8th grade yeah people were still looking me at me strangely and talking bad about me but i didn't pay mind i had reconciled with some of my friends and i was with Sarah and it wasn't like a fairytale but it was somewhat happy i didn't fail any classes first year it was somewhat calming to go to school even though i was still on the diet stuff it was really hard to be on the diet stuff but i felt like if i go eat that that i would get fat and that life would just get worse i remember around my 14th birthday it was on my 14th birthday we didn't do anything that day don't really wanna talk about why but yeah i erupted and this was this talk about the new Doritos's locos tacos from taco bell and not knowing what to do we had a snow storm so they were still snow on the ground prob like a foot and i was a bit hesitant but i had went to taco bell and bought a Doritos nachos locos taco and it was my first time being in my childhood favorite eatery place since like 2 yrs and i clearly remember me eating it for the first time like it was new years and it was so good a few weeks after that i was being bullied again and they had made up a name for me a really bad nickname i don't wanna say Wat it is it just so messed up so disgusted so unacceptable but yeah i got really depressed again and didn't eat taco bell again after that fearing it would turn me into a balloon and when your being bullied so much you lose your self you don't see what others see you look down you feel pain regret and you keep asking your self what did i do wrong or am i really those things? your mind kinda goes into the state and you even start to question god ? trust me i was going threw that and i couldn't see the beauty in front of me. In eighth grade i did get almost another physical fight with another student most likely i had problems with one her friends and she got mad and wanted to fight me and she even got suspended because she came in middle our argument and yeah it was crazy during eighth grade i had gotten high school acceptance letters and i had found out i wasn't going to my sisters school or my dream high school i was somewhat a bit happy with the school i got considering the fact it was the school right across from my sisters and i felt safe aka still a student in that school and I'm happy there.  But anyways when eighth grade graduation came i didn't get to go i had just found out i had summer school for the state test and wasn't able to attend but instead attend summer school now this time it was another injustice act considering the fact i was innocent and had actually passed it and it was a mistake but no one believed me so i missed out on graduation and around the same time me and my friend Sarah broke off our friendship so i was so heart broken yeah i couldn't see the positive anymore i kept asking my self why is happening and why i am being punished and everything 4 weeks into summer school the assiant principle came in and pulled a couple of kids out i was one of them confused and confused he pulled us out and told us that we actually did pass and that we didn't fail and that we can graduate i was so happy cheering and running out of that building i had knew it the entire time that it was injustice and that i never failed. Pretty much everyone who doubted me felt bad and yeah it was the ending i got a mere few weeks i got my diploma the school delivered it to my house. I had lost 4 weeks of summer but was still enjoying the weeks i had left.  During middle school i had suffered i did get thoughts of negativity and didn't feel pretty and i wouldn't wanna get out of bed even when they was school i would cry silently whether it was in my room or bathroom but i hate when people see me cry its just i don't like it. When i entered high school was also the time i broke off my diet and began eating taco bell again going mostly during happy hour mostly on Saturdays and getting the same ole grillers or freezes which they were a dollar i loved saving money and i loved their freezes which was why i would go during happy hour just to get the griller or pink lemonade freeze or Baja blast but the pink lemonade was my drink till it got discounted which by the way i was a little sad but yeah they got the starburst one so that ones better but anyways back to my story my first day of freshman year i made 2 friends two girls who know they are my classmates and not friends.  After a while i got sad fearing that middle school would repeat and one of the girls from middle school is my middle school so anyways basically what happened to me in middle school had spread and yeah i got depressed again but then one day during my gym period i met a girl named Rachel we became close and we started talking on facebook/school and shared our secrets and everything we became like sisters and then one day during my algebra class i met a sweet girl named Andrea we also became close. I Forgot to mention the fact that during 8th grade was when i created my blog and during freshman year it began to grow traffic and attention all over twitter and the it was then freshman year i began to feel like two girls my real identity the glamorous sophisticated Stephanie Precious P and regular Stephanie P Who people know was smart shy and not very noticed but some people and teachers knew about my blog and stuff including my old history teacher from middle school who had begun working at my high school .  During freshman year i had developed a crush on a senior from one of my classes not saying which one or his name but yeah i got sad mid school year when my one of my friends spotted him with his girlfriend and i did too usually after school it hurted a little bit but i had my friends and i learned back then and now if someone really loves you they'll fight for you and tell you not date someone else is that called a player? anyways as the regents grew closer my anxiety got worse i would go home and study but then go on my computer and look at old grading charts and close my eyes point my fingers and tell my self that was the grade i was gonna get and whenever it would land on a failing grade i would scream and basically cry yeah i had really bad test anxiety but it mostly for the us history regents though i would even curse out the thematic essays saying that gonna prevent me from graduating high school. i had to spend a weekend in the house and its like i would look at the material but i wasn't learning anything as i was so worried whether or not i was gonna fail not to mention the fact that we had a history teacher who barely taught us anything but just give us work and expect us to do it worst teacher ever June came and my test anxiety had gotten so bad i was basically angry with the world my local gym had just giving me a pass and when i came home i was so angry i lashed out on Rachel for the stupidest reasons i didn't even know what i was doing i lashed out her that led to a fight and her friends found out which i was friends with and yeah we broke it off i had also lashed out on Andrea for other stupid reasons not realizing what i had done i had became a shadow of my former self and so much of a shadow that i basically didn't have any real friends anymore it was the last day of school where you get your report card and i ran in that building looking like a bum with messy sweats and messy clothing going up and down praying for the best it was then i got my report card and saw i got a 61 on my us history regents and a 68 on algebra it was then i stormed out of the school and basically no friends at all with my friends mad at me i cried the last day of school freshman yr doing nothing all summer but grieving and having everyone mad at me and yeah really depressed i took the test in august that year only to pass it with a 62.  Everyone mad i basically started off sophomore yr on the wrong foot with Rachel still mad at me and Andrea i didn't really know the first day of sophomore r i had really bad stomach pain and had to be taken to the hospital it was gross really i started throwing up feeling light headed i even was dehydrated and weak. i missed out on the first day of school and that's how i knew it wasn't gonna be a greatest yr of y life.  When i came back to school mere day after turned out it was just a infection and i was gonna be alright i was still a bit sick but returned to school Andrea feeling that our fight was history wasn't mad at me and i sat at my lunch table again though i was still a bit depressed having realized i wasn't on the road to graduation but it wasn't all bad until i failed the us history for 3rd time that was the hard part struggling with my social life with friendships back and forth and having to fail a test 3 times. It was after that time that was the wake up call and i started asking for help i was afraid to ask for help for tutoring during middle school i had a bad math teacher who tutored me and would be mean to me every time i got the answer wrong. A lot of traumas and wounds from middle school but anyways during sophomore yr we had a new history teacher and he really cool and stuff over the next couple of months i began craving churros and couldn't find the churro truck and it was always under the train station which means you had to swipe a metro card in order to get one knowing that taco bell sells churros i began going nights after nights just for the little cinnamon treats that's where i met one of the sweetest taco bell workers in the world he started treating me so nicely i felt so honored and like a celebrity which made me wanna go there more than once a month basically you don't really find people these days who like their job and stuff you usually find people who hate it.  But anyways during the month of may i started cutting out blogging to go to tutoring i would go to tutoring most nights till 430 or to 5pm doing regents prep mostly for global and us since those are the hardest regents anyone ever has to take besides chemistry and trig and geometry. I Would go to tutoring then i would go home and study the work night after that and regents week i had to take us global l.e English all same week and i had to study for those tests too i felt like a zombie after that week and the week after that i was the most scared for us still kept getting anxiety for that so you know what i would do go to taco bell and get food it made me feel a lot better every time i go to taco bell its like Christmas all over again and like a wedding it gives me the happiness that so good really good going to TB on those anxiety nights made things a lot better i remember during those weeks i started applying for summer jobs and a lot of people started praying for me everyone my mom and her best friend did candle prayers we all prayed to god and i prayed every night every single night praying to god asking him to forgive me for crying wolf in 7th grade and taking summers for granted. During that time even though me and Andrea were contastly becoming friends again and conastly not i had my friends and my mom and my family and my birds and well yeah even taco bell. On the day of my report card i was so nervous i walked in the building asking for my teacher and when i found her she was with my advisory girls when it was my turn i was super nervous i wanted to cry scream and shout when i got my report card it was the biggest relief ever i had passed all my regents it was the happiest day of my life sure i have to retake English and algebra for a higher score but hey I'm just so glad i had no summer school and passed us with a shocking grade 83 and global 66. Till this day i still thank my tutors Mr Kelly shout out to you i remember him saying when he gave me essays to do for homework that i might get 5 on thematic and shout out to my other tutor ms Gabriel who's now one of the assistant principles of the school thank you and to my global study tutor Mr a who left the school and to my other global studies tutor Mr V who's now married and works in a school somewhere in NY and to my friend Andrea that year she helped me out that summer it was like everything was falling into place Rachel and her friends forgave me for the freshman incident and whenever i see Rachel in the neighborhood not all the time we smile and embrace showing we forgave each other and that summer even though i didn't get any good jobs i was happy now that its junior year and i have new friends now and no longer feel shunned or depressed and get along with my classmates. Its junior year and now i feel happy no no longer depressed not to mention over the summer i met my future bestie ms Bethany mota.  yes i said future bestie we met only one time but i still love her and i know she feels mutual for all her fans. But anyways having to through all of that made me stronger my point is on sharing my story is that if your depressed sad alone don't be talk to a family member or a friend but you gotta let someone in your heart if you ever want things to get better your beautiful smart illegent and even if you don't have a boyfriend or a girlfriend or going threw a breakup gods saving your heart for someone special someone who will truly love you for who you are and look beyond your looks just gotta have faith and you must always have faith in your self that's most important you have to love your self first before you can love anyone your beautiful not ugly no matter who you are.  Sweethearts we must always be positive and if we make a wish and keep it deep your heart it just might come true it will just believe it make a wish in your heart and close your eyes now believe it will come true and it will.  I mean look now i have all of you amazing people my YouTube family didn't forget about you Mr Dawson Mr Shane Dawson i would watch your videos all time threw out 7th grade and now you taught me so much and i love you and thank you for that.  I have my YouTube family you guys and my friends and i couldn't be more grateful and also thanks remember have faith let god and love love is the answer it might be not be the answer to all your problems but it is the answer its answer to being positive.  If your going threw bullying and wanna talk to someone you can email me at my fan address and ill get back to you with the best advice as soon as i can.  I Love you guys so much and hope you have a great night 

if you know someone who is depressed don't keep your mouth shut tell a adult authority someone but don't keep your mouth shut depression is something need to be taken care of.
   you know ill always love you
                                                                               Xoxo- Precious

Suicide prevention

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number

Website you can talk to people here